The Daily Outrage: 14th September 1998

There was fury today when the sex drug Viagra was approved by the EU. The move was condemned by family groups, political parties and God. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, was quoted as saying "The people involved in this are evil. They should be taken out and shot at dawn. It's probably being organised by blacks and gays. Everything is these days. They're out to get me."

There are fears that Viagra will cost the NHS twenty billion pounds per second, and will be widely misused. A worrying trend that has been noticed recently is the gradual lowering of the age for sexual awareness in children. Dr Stephen Littleknob of Bournemouth University has been looking into this trend. He claims that within five years, with the help of Viagra, babies will be having casual sex at the nursery. This will lead to thousands, if not millions, of toddler pregnancies. The implications of this could be catastrophic. It has been scientifically proven that children whose parents are only five years older than them are 43% more likely to become unruly vagabonds with no moral values.

Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything has written a letter of protest to the Prime Minister, insisting that Viagra be immediately banned for eternity, and all supporters of the drug be locked up and the key thrown away. They have also asked that sex be made illegal, claiming that it is evil, wrong, and was invented by young people. Sources in Downing Street say that the proposals are being seriously considered, and an announcement is expected soon.

Editorial Comment: The licencing of Viagra is another sign of the rapidly deteriorating family values of the 1990s. All right-thinking Radio 4 listeners must surely be seething in fury as they watch society crumble around them to the ghastly sounds of sex and 'gay rights' activists. It is high time that the Government takes action, and burns all those whose morals fall below the impeccable standards of Louise Woodward.

The Sunday Outrage: 25th April 1999

There was fury today when it was discovered that Fred West had been a big fan of Pong, the first ever videogame. Expert behavioural psychologists are certain that the game was the sole inspiration for West's killing sprees, and that had he not played the game, he would definitely have become a charity volunteer working to save endangered species in Kenya. The game was instantly condemned by family groups, political parties and God. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, was quoted as saying "The creators of Pong are sick and depraved. They have been corrupting our innocent children for years, and I fear it may be too late to reverse the effects. I propose we burn all children who have ever played a videogame."

Videogames have come a long way since Pong. A recent game, Lynda La Plante's Killer Net, requires the player to stalk and murder a young woman. Crime statistics show that incidences of stalking increased five hundred percent following the game's release. Another game, Doom, depicts graphic scenes of rape, eyeball gouging (extra points are given if the player eats the eyeballs), ethnic cleansing, and excreting on babies. The sequel to Doom - Half-Life - requires the player to scrawl graffiti on every surface he sees, while simulatenously shooting animals and swimming through pools of radioactive semen.

Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything has written a letter of protest to the Prime Minister, insisting that videogames be immediately banned for eternity, and all videogame developers locked up and the key thrown away. They have also asked that fun be made illegal, claiming that it is evil, wrong, and was invented by Satan. Sources in Downing Street say that the proposals are being seriously considered, and an announcement is expected soon.

Editorial comment: We cannot sit idly by and let these monstrosities turn our stupid helpless children into bloodthirsty killing machines with no respect for Louise Woodward. We must all kneel down and pray to God that these games will be banned soon. Then we can get the teenagers out of the house and onto the street corners where they belong.

The Daily Outrage: 19th August 1999

There was fury today when it was revealed that the A-Level exam pass rate had gone up for the 17th year in a row. The result was instantly condemned by family groups, political parties and God. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, was quoted as saying "This result is inconceivable. Every good citizen knows that the children of today are stupid, brain-dead, barely coherent morons who deserve to be placed on spikes and burnt to a within an inch of their lives."

Students claim that they are under greater pressure than ever to succeed. This simply does not square with the facts. Everyone knows that all young people spend all their time taking heroin, having unprotected sex, and mugging old ladies.

Increasingly, universities are complaining that new students arrive with insufficient education and skills. One lecturer, who didn't want to be named, said that standards had been going down for years. "A few years ago," he told us, "some of the new students we were getting couldn't even read capital letters. It's got much worse since then. Some of our new students haven't yet learnt to walk. Some aren't even potty trained. The brightest student I know of is one who spends all her day colouring in the course notes with crayons."

Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything has written a letter of protest to the Prime Minister, insisting that capital punishment be introduced in schools, and that all children be locked up and the key thrown away. They have also asked that the property of youth be made illegal, claiming that it is dangerous and subversive. Sources in Downing Street say that the proposals are being seriously considered, and an announcement is expected soon.

Editorial comment: Young people are a scourge on humanity. One must despair that qualifications these days are obtainable simply by scrawling 'uurrnnggh' in vomit on the exam paper, then defecating on the invigilator. To think our country will soon be run by sub-vegetable life forms. However, there is a ray of hope. If all children can turn to the shining example of Louise Woodward, all of society's problems will be solved instantaneously. We can but hope.

The Daily Outrage: 18th September 1999

There was fury today when it was revealed that genetically modified crop trials had been illegally given the go-ahead by the Government. The action was instantly condemned by family groups, Christian fundamentalists and God. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, was unavailable for comment. We suspect the infidel has no interest in protecting the public from these evil mutant alien hybrid baby-eating creations.

There have recently been a spate of attacks by environmental campaigners on GM trial fields. These courageous vegetable lovers have been relentlessly working for the public good, annhiliating the foul stench of these mutant vegetables from our green and pleasant land. One protester, who wanted to be known as 'Squelchy', told us "I love plants, unless they're genetically modified. I don't mind if traditonal breeding techniques are used. But if they were to make exactly the same plant by artifical means, I would be duty-bound to set about it with an axe. Those GM crops have no soul, man."

Prince Charles, renowned for his competence in all matters, told The Daily Outrage, "Well, you know, genetically modified foods are wrong, because they are an attempt by scientists to bugger about with God's work. And I mean bugger in the most literal sense of the word". We also spoke to God Himself, who said "Don't get me wrong, Darwin was a wonderful fellow, you couldn't hope to meet a nicer man. But I sent him to hell. That is all I have to say on the matter."

Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything has written a letter of protest to the Prime Minister, insisting that all GM crop trials and researchers be burned and that bread and wine should be the only foods legally available. They have also asked that progress be made illegal, claiming that it encourages people to turn into baby-eating zombies. Sources in Downing Street say that the Prime Minister threw the letter away without reading it. Mr Oliver is since believed to have gone into a coma, unable to cope with being ignored.

Editorial Comment: Genetically modified crops may look green and nourishing, but within dwells a beast. A beast which sits in the fields quietly, trying to lull us into a false sense of security. But as soon as a baby comes near, the feasting will begin. After dancing in pools of the infant's blood, the plants will uproot themselves and march on the home of Louise Woodward - her ample body will provide them with enough nourishment to take over the world. Of course, this is only one possible outcome. It would be foolish to suggest this scenario was a certainty. But should we let so-called 'scientists' do further research into the monsters? No. Every second we wait before nuking the GM trial sites, we risk becoming their supper. The Government's inaction can mean only one thing - the takeover has started already. Tony Blair is one of Them. We propose that the RAF load their bombers with herbicides and attack Downing Street. Only then can our brave, brave Louise be safe from the jaws of the Devil.

The Daily Outrage: 28th September 1999

There was fury today when the European 'Court' of 'Human' 'Rights' declared that Britain's ban on gays in the armed forces was illegal. The judgement was instantly condemned by family groups, Tories and God. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, was quoted as saying "This ruling sickens me to the core. I fought in the war in order to prevent this country falling into the hands of Johnny Foreigner. Now, that same man has told our nation that we have to have buggery in the army. I couldn't get any when I was there - neither should today's soldiers!". He added, "This is off the record, right?"

This is the latest in a long series of cases where Brussels has buggered messed about with our laws. Britain's banana growers are still being hit hard by the much-publicised straight banana regulation, which is now mandatory for all European countries. The murdering nasty Eurotwcrats also want to see our beloved pounds and ounces obliterated, and want to replace the Queen with Asterix the Gaul.

Major Gen. Micheal Hosgrove, commander of the 27th Infantry Brigade, told us "Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against gays myself - but I wouldn't put one in charge of a bayonet. You can just imagine where he'd want to stick it."

Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything has written a letter of protest to the Prime Minister, insisting that the homosexual age of consent be increased to 80 years. The letter was instantly condemned by Lord Bentonbury, who is 75.

Editorial Comment: Britain's armed forces are a national treasure. Recently, their work in Bosnia and Kosovo has demonstrated their compassion - almost on the Diana scale - for poor, inferior foreigners. Unfortunately, every good citizen knows that gays would destroy all this hard work in an instant. Humanitarian aid holds no interest for them - their sole objective in life is to let their pigs run freely through the chocolate factories of innocent soldiers.
Furthermore, this case highlights the utter stupidity of all non-British courts. As Louise Woodward demonstrated, foreigners are totally incapable of grasping the concept of justice - their so-called courts of law exist soley to mock the glorious isles on which we live.

There was fury today when "Sir" "Keir" "Starmer" won the 2024 general election. The news was instantly condemned by Nadine Dorries, Ann Widdecombe and God. Starmer, a leftie lawyer who has defended the likes of Abu Hamza, Fred West and Noel Edmonds, swept to a majority of 170, cruelly depriving our Conservative betters of their God-given right to rule. The Conservative MP for Werther's Originals, Lord Bentonbury, who lost the seat he'd held since 1875, said in his concession speech "Sir Keir Starmer? Sir Woke Tofu, more like!" He then fell on his bayonet.

It is feared that the incoming Labour government will undo all the progress of the last 14 years, such as the blowing up of all council houses and the replacement of hospitals with escape rooms.

Nick Oliver, chairman of the pressure group Families Against Everything, has written to the new Prime Minister urging him to erase the word "trans" from the dictionary, and bring in mandatory hair length checks for all children. Sources in the new administration say that the proposals are being seriously considered, and an announcement is expected soon.

Editorial statement: We stand on the brink of the apocalypse. It is only a matter of time before right-thinking Conservative voters are sent to Angela Rayner's woke concentration camps. Just like in Stalin's gulags, prisoners will slowly waste away on a diet of quinoa and Ryvita, all served directly from the kitchen of Caroline Lucas. Those who survive will be required to work 24/7 serving banquets to Afghan immigrants, some of whom didn't even risk their lives to translate for British soldiers. There is only one conclusion we can draw from the victory of this insane Left cabal: the Tories were not right-wing enough. If Britain still exists in five years' time, the Conservative and Unionist Party's only hope is to stand a ChatGPT replica of Andrew Tate in every consitutuency.